I try to live my life by so many sayings or thought processes. "You'll know where you're going once you get there." "Who said life was fair?" "Dreams speak to us with a knowledge greater than our own." "Rules are meant to be broken." But if you ask me, I'm not sure that any of them are helping me live a life I'm content with. I still don't know who I am or where I'm going or why. I want to know. I want to know NOW. I saw Push tonight, and one of the things I hate about movies is a depiction of non-reality. I'll never move things with my mind, know the future, be able to control people with my thoughts, have a scream that could kill people, heal people, trace people through smell, or be able to change an object into anything I desire. And yes.... I won't "not with that attitude." I guess I've just been coming to a realization. Even though I try to convince myself of otherwise, I'm greedy. I'm sure I'll always want more. I realized that, and that I've been happier. It's not often that I can remember a time I was happier than the present, but I do. I think what truly makes me happy is a base to charge and relax. Some call it a home. I miss my tiny apartment in Carbondale. I was so excited to leave because I thought it was a step forward in my life. It was the greed talking. I look back now and miss my ugly half yellow kitchen, my porch of books, my pink bathroom with the chandelier above the tub, and the creepy basement I could "borrow" screws and nails from. It wasn't much, but as long as I payed the rent... I could call it mine-ish.

I miss my LJ. I'm posting more often.

I'm not really sure why, but just now I started thinking about the movie "Groundhog Day".  It suddenly occurred to me that of all the movie characters in all the movies that I'm jealous of...  The guy (can't think of his name) is near the top.  I'm jealous that he accomplishes so much with out losing any time.  I've spent so much of my life wishing I was someone else and led a different life....  every day feels the same.  I used to feel like life is crawling by and sometimes I still do.  But then I look back and realized just how much I've missed.  At 25.... almost 26... I have nothing to show for myself.  The worst part is that I can't for the life of me figure out why.  I wish I could blame someone or something or any combination.... but I just feel like everything flies past me and years later I stand up and go "Oh, wait." 

My TV broke a couple days ago.  I'm trying to acknowledge that it's a sign from god..... but two or three times a day...  I try to turn it on hoping that it will miraculously work.  I know that my TV breaking is supposed to force me to do things I'm supposed to be doing.... Like leaving my apartment, applying for a second job, and socializing with the rest of the world.  Unfortunately, my internet still works and I've really gotten into watching streaming movies.  I try to think of all the things I want to do or accomplish....  I'm realistic too.  I want to knit a sweater.  I want to lose 10 lbs.  I want to go out regularly with friends.  I want to keep my apartment clean.  I find myself doing the opposite.  I half knit smaller projects only to dislike the developing garment and take it apart.  I loose 4 lbs and then gain 6.  I make acquaintances, but rarely any friends and few I'd see on a regular-ish basis.  I try to clean my apartment but get wrapped up in organization projects that follow the tune of "must get worse before getting better."   

I'm also in agony because I've needed to sneeze for the past 6 hours or so.....  It isn't happening.

Pity party over.

The truth came out earlier this week.  When I was in second grade, I lied.  I told classmates that my mom made the yogurt in my lunch.  It wasn't until a few years ago that I learned to make yogurt.  It was during my low-carb kick.  I bought a bunch of cookbooks and diet books.  One combo book, made it sound "so easy a cave man could do it".  It was, thanks to an old heating pad.  I haven't made any in months...  It's faster to buy.  Anyways... More than ever I realize how much being a cook/homemaker matters to me.  It has to play a major role in my future.... one or the other..... or preferably both!

The subject of this entry reminds me of "7th Heaven" or something.  But it's what I got.  I'm re-starting a new book and I'm hoping it will make a difference in my life.  I know this is a recurring tune, like two months ago when I decided I was going through my quarter life crisis and determined to accomplish a list of 26 things by my 26th birthday.  Guess what?  I'm not even sure where that list is now.  What does that say about me?  Maybe it says that I don't follow through and that may be the case.  It definitely says that I'm disorganized, which is my current focus.  As many people do, I have a long list of problems.  They're all interlinked.  I think my disorganization of home and life is the roots of many problems.

I don't think I'd want to become some kind of OCD organized person, but I want better control of my life.  I know that there are many things about myself I wouldn't change for the world.....  EXAMPLE: (it's silly!)  I keep all of my fortune cookie fortunes.  Who knows how many I have!  I have a ton in a box on my bookshelf and.....  Several strewn about my belongings.  Every few days or so I randomly come across one and it's always an inspiration.  Currently there is a minor pile of random papers on my bed.  Within the pile was a spend checkbook.  I flipped through it to confirm that there were no unused checks and out came..... a fortune.  It says "Keep up the good work.  You will soon be rewarded financially."  Lucky numbers 2, 9, 13, 17, 33, and 49.  I always hope the numbers really are lucky.  But honestly, I prefer the fortunes that have learn Chinese on the back.

This year is my golden birthday.  I know it's not a big deal, but today I started a list of things to accompish by my birthday.  Yes, it can be considered part of my quarter life crisis.  I'll post it soon.  I will also be posting pictures of my MANY knitting projects as soon as I buy new batteries for my digital camera.

Oh, and I'm super amused right now cuz I haven't smoked in the apt since I got Cinder....   She watches the smoke!  hehe

I'm a firm believer in rewards and pampering.  I'm a pro.  Today was kind of a big day for me.  I could hardly sleep last nite and I was a ball of nerves when I was getting ready for work today.  But I had a SUPER day!  After work, I decided I needed to treat myself.  So I made Crab and Corn Chowder.  I had a nice salad, poured myself a glass of wine, and decided  I couldn't want more.  Well, at least not tonight.  Ok.  I take that back... I wish that 20 minutes ago I remembered that "How I met your mother" was starting.  Now I have to wait till tomorrow to watch it online.  :(  More later.

Do you ever wonder about the intentions of others?  I do.  I generally have a rule not to like people who don't like me, but until you GIVE me a reason to dislike you.... you're ok.  But the world isn't that simple.  Everyone perceives situations differently and events occur differently to others. 

I'm forever trying to be a better person and understand the world around me.  I know that in order to succeed in that venture I have to understand myself.  So here it is.... what is important to me now:

MY JOB:  I'm trying to work my way to from assistant manager to store manager.  I've realized I greatly value the company I work for and want to pursue a career with it.  I take my job seriously.  <insert non related giggle break>  I try to be imaginative and friendly with in the boundaries set by corporate policy.  I have a role model and a goal.  I will get there....

My home:  For the past year, I've lived with my two cat's in my studio plus.  I've bought furniture, even drove from Milwaukee straight to Carbondale once... for a shelving unit, from another Pier 1.  I painted my bathroom pink and used 20 bucks a gallon, mildew resistant paint.  I love it and know that I'll probably have to paint over it before I leave.  But it's not perfect.  I would like a living room, a dish washer, and washer-dryer.  I want it all.

MY CATS:  I got Leahla in January and Cinder in June(i think).  They're my world.  I say bye when I go to work and love being greeted by them when I get back home.  They snuggle with me, sleep with me, and are a constant source of amusement.  I can't imagine my life without them.

My health:  I'm trying to eat healthier.  On average, I eat yogurt 5 times a week, Lean Cuisines 3 times a week and salad 4 times a week.  I know that is not enough and I'm working to triple those numbers.  I've invested more than enough money in diet books, exercise dvds, and miscellaneous items to aid me.  I would make this my number one priority if other areas of my life were more settled.  I'm trying to create healthier living habits. 

There are others.... but those are the most important areas of my life right now.  Either you're with me, or you're getting out of the way!

Sometimes I read blogs.  I enjoy peering into the lives of others.  It is during those times that I miss my blog the most.  I quit blogging and writing some time ago.  Every now and then I get the urge.  I think of all the things I could write about and all the things I shouldn't write about.  Recently I've been thinking about what I should blog about.  KNITTING!  The name of my blog is abbyknits and I've mentioned knitting a little.  I briefly mentioned a possible project.  Well, I've been knitting steadily since Thanksgiving and I can't help but blog about how proud I am of myself.  I attempted lace!  Before Thanksgiving I started a easy lace scarf called the Zigzag Lace Scarf.  I worked on it during my train ride to visit the fam.  When I got back home, I started another called the Falling Water Lace Scarf.  I'm surprised that I have the patience and ability to concentrate on these patterns.  YAY!  Anyways.... this is them so far.


The Zigzag - I used a worsted weight wool yarn from a sweater on 10 1/2 needles..... which is ironically the same colors as the example in the pattern.  I'm about one third done, but I keep loosing my place in the pattern or accidentlly dropping stitches.  So this scarf is on a brake.



Falling Water - I'm using doubled up acrylic on 10 1/2 needles.  Remember the baby soft, white yarn I bought for a co-worker's scarf.... that's the stuff.  This is the scarf.  We'll see...

It's fall and going on winter.  I wanted my summer to be awesome, but in all honesty it was gone in a blink.  I don't remember it being anything more than capri pants and having the air conditioner on.  Now, my fall is slipping away and winter is creeping up on me.  It makes me sad.  I don't know why, but winter always makes me miss something or someone.  Still this year is different.  This will be my first x-mas away from home. 

It is also my second x-mas at the Pier.  YAY!  Over the summer I got promoted to assistant manager and although it is more stress.... I LOVE IT!  The more I think about it.... I feel that Pier One Imports is the place for me!  Just the other day I was standing at the cash wrap and I remembered when I was growing up and my mom would make me dust.  I had a hutch in my bedroom and I had to take my cat figurine collection( I know I know) off the shelves and it was so important that the cats be arranged just so.  They had to be placed perfectly.  The memory made me smile and realize that I do love to straighten.  I also thought of how much I used to love to re-arrange my room.  I tried to put my bed in every possible wall and corner of the room.  It was a disaster area slash work in progress at all times, but I felt I had a vision.  Honestly, I look forward to the weeks when we're moving stuff around in the store.  As frustrating as it can be to figure out where to put the odds and ends, I get a kick out of pushing heavy stuff across the store.  As lame as it sounds, I love my retail job.  There's a quarter-life crisis plan in the works. 

I've also been listening to a lot of jazz lately.  A week or two ago I stopped because I thought I was sick of it.  This week when I started again....  I couldn't believe I stopped.  What's wrong with me?!  Shouldn't I be obsessively listening to music that was produced when I was alive? 

I just finished watching "Who Killed the Electric Car?" I'm compelled to tell the truth. Towards the end I started to cry. Yes, I know... Filmmakers know what they are doing. They use imagery and information to their advantage in order to get a reaction out of the viewer. Still, I wasn't crying about the loss of an automobile. I was crying for humanity. I was crying for what we are today and for what we may become. We are consumed by so many superficial aspects of our lives that we begin to forget about anything or anyone besides ourselves. It's sickening.

In other news, SUMMER! YAY! I'm super pumped about this summer. In one month, I'll be turning twenty-five. I'm planning for this to be the summer of my quarter life crisis. It sounds silly but really it's just what I need. I think it's what everyone needs. There's this big joke about people turning fifty and suddenly taking a serious look at their life. I think this summer I'm going to have a blast and get serious. Yes, both. I can to both because being serious and honest with yourself should be fun. All the same, having fun should be true and sincere. I'm still in the brainstorming phase, but I really feel that this idea is one of my best yet. Wish me luck.